My own worth

What am I worth?

Wouldn't that be what other think and feel about me? If thats the case I am worth a lot to my daughter and to be honest that is the only one I mean anything too, in my opinion.

I am so confused with matters of my own heart, it seems I keep placing it in places its not wanted or needed and it always ends up in a blender of frape, the insane thing is right now I keep walking down the same path expecting different results, maybe some headway. The cruelest thing of all is when I think I am making some headway I am actually still in the same place or further back.

I know what I should do but gaining the courage to do it is the hardest thing of all.

Dating.. what's the mystery?

Ok so I have been without a girlfriend for the last 7 years, partly through choice but recently not without want of trying, each time I liken it to getting this shiny new object in your hands and as I raise it up to take a good look at what I have infront of me it disintegrates into dust, I grab at it to try and retain some of it and I end up retaining some of it but its not the same.... I am having such a hard time at finding a relationship that I can have, call me selfish, hauty or shallow but I have to be attracted to the person in some way, do I not have that right? This has proved to be difficult for me to attain... Is it me? I started to think maybe it is? Maybe it is we both have issues and this is preventing us from making that connection? I know its a waiting game but damnit I have waited long enough. One more thing, I have been told girls go gaga over confidence, how do you attain confidence if you don't have any?

One of these days it will be positive

Ever felt like you don't matter, that no one wants you around... I feel like that more than I don't, I know its stupid because the more I feel like that the more I make it true by the way that I act when feeling that way. Yet I can't pull myself out of that feeling.

So where do I go from here? I can't repair this by myself, I can't cope with all of it by myself, I know this, so I sought help. I had one appointment and really didn't get much from it, hopefully he will help with a little situation at the family doctors so I can go back and see them to help with the way I feel. So maybe thats a positive thing!

I got some really good advice that helped, and those words were "She shouldn't have to be the strong one".

My daughter shouldn't be the stronger person here, my duty as a father includes being the stronger person (most of the time), knowing this person it really shook me and made me become a little stronger, I have had much better days since then and look forward to what can be accomplished in the future, I'll get by with a little help from my friends :)

So most of my posts these days are negative, would you believe me if I said that most of my life is negative?

I don't think it is but right now all I can see and focus on is the negative aspects of my life, what is missing, I really wish this wasn't the case and I am trying to get this fixed but for now I feel like shutting myself up inside and not venturing out at all.

It has been an extremely tough year, things have transpired that I wish with all my heart I could change, I wish I was able to go back in time and fix before they ever spiraled out of control. Fortuanatly the person who took the worst portion of it all seems to be doing better than I and I am very glad she is ok, I on the other hand have suffered and continue to suffer through feelings of guilt and anguish, this has bled through into other portions of my life and have effected me in ways I could not forsee.

Maybe its the punishment I deserve...

Help me to help myself...

So most of my posts these days are negative, would you believe me if I said that most of my life is negative?

I don't think it is but right now all I can see and focus on is the negative aspects of my life, what is missing, I really wish this wasn't the case and I am trying to get this fixed but for now I feel like shutting myself up inside and not venturing out at all.

It has been an extremely tough year, things have transpired that I wish with all my heart I could change, I wish I was able to go back in time and fix before they ever spiraled out of control. Fortuanatly the person who took the worst portion of it all seems to be doing better than I and I am very glad she is ok, I on the other hand have suffered and continue to suffer through feelings of guilt and anguish, this has bled through into other portions of my life and have effected me in ways I could not forsee.

Maybe its the punishment I deserve...